How to Approach a Turtle


STEP ONE: Move slowly, almost imperceptibly. The turtle will interpret any sudden movement as an attack, and respond accordingly.

STEP TWO: Greet the turtle in its native language. If you don’t know the turtle’s native language, then learn it.

STEP THREE: Present your offering to the turtle. Standard offerings include lettuce, carrots, or, if you forgot to bring an offering, yourself.

STEP FOUR: Pray — PRAY — that the turtle accepts your offering. If it does, then you will enjoy a long, happy life of peaceful co-existence.

STEP FIVE: If it doesn’t, well, the alternative is too terrible to contemplate.

Accurate! Especially the part about the offering. 

Mine has been accepted! Phew!